Yesterday was Sunday, it was also the day my son who is twenty-one, left. He has the opportunity to work with his dad over in Texas in the USA for 6 months. I had known about this for around four or five months, so it wasn’t a sudden thing.
When people asked me how I felt about it I’d say, “Yea it will be a big change….” The words were hollow, as I knew that AuDHD me was not allowing myself to fully engage in what it would actually look or feel like. It’s hard to think ahead and imagine something that hasn’t happened yet, plus I tend to live in the now so often put it to the back of my head.
When I did allow myself to think about the upcoming change, I envisaged that once he had left the house, I would feel better. The change would have happened; therefore, I could move on with my life.
The week leading up to him going, things started to shift sub consciously. I drank alcohol every night, something I’ve not done for awhile. If you’d asked me about it, I wouldn’t have said “I’m having a drink every night because my son is leaving the country on Sunday.” I wasn’t aware that was why. I would probably have said that I felt a bit tense or stressed. There were a few things that happened during that week. A gathering with family and friends, the two of us went to lunch. He had some meet ups with friends to say goodbye, his last day at work. He sold his bike and he sold his car. All these signals that it was getting closer, loose ends being tied up…
On Saturday night, the night before he left, I started to feel sad, really sad, I wasn’t sure why, as the change hadn’t happened. He was still here.
Yesterday morning he left, the change happened – He lived here, and then he didn’t. It was done. I could move on.
The reality compared with what I’d anticipated feeling around the change was very different.
After he left the house, I found myself getting overwhelmed. I went into his room, and it made me sad. The entire day was so much harder than I had anticipated.
Last night, after I knew he had safely landed in Houston – around 8pm, I was exhausted, my face was puffy, and I knew I needed an alcohol-free early night. I slept well but woke around 4am and felt sad again.
This morning, I didn’t hear his music playing while he got ready for work, I didn’t hear the shower running and I didn’t hear him talking to Bailey, one of our dogs. He wasn’t here, he had gone now, he was in America on an exciting adventure. The change had already happened. It was done, so why was I not fine like I thought I would be?
In my head what I was anticipating was a change, whilst this is correct and a change did happen, that isn’t the hard part. The hard part is the transition around the change. This was a bit of a light bulb for me.
It sounds simple but change and transitions are often used interchangeably when actually, they are very different things. The change is the event: My son moving to live in America for 6 months. It took about 2 minutes for the actual change to happen.
The transition is much more intense, it’s much longer. It’s the whole internal psychological process that you need to go through to adjust to that change.
Transition involves feeling your emotions and adjusting your behaviour. It can take weeks, months, years for people to transition around changes, particularly big ones.
It’s funny, because if this were another person telling me about a big change they had coming up, I’d have thought ‘Oooh that transition is going to be really hard for them.’ I’d say things like “Make sure you have some nice things planned” or “Make sure you give yourself time to adjust” or “Be sure to look after yourself.” Often when it’s ourselves, we forget to look at what might be glaringly obvious for others to see.
Do you have any changes coming up that you may need to spend a bit of time thinking about? Some things to think about might be: What is the change that’s happening? What might the transition around this change look like?
The Change:
- What is the change?
- How might this change impact you? How does this impact another person? For example, my change was that my son was leaving to work in another country. This was sad; however, I knew that the change for him, whilst partly sad, was also exciting. I found comfort in this.
Coping with change and transition:
- When might the transition start? For me I think it was around a week before he left, although I didn’t acknowledge this. We may not know when the transition to a change might start, but it’s good to be aware of how we feel as the time approaches.
- Heightened emotions and behaviour adjustments: We may feel extra teary, extra snappy, have a shorter fuse. Transitions use a lot of mental energy. It’s ok to feel like you have less spoons during this time. It may be helpful to let others around you know to be patient with you, and if you know how you’d like to be supported, let them know that too.
- Time: There is no set time for how long a transition takes. For example, I am probably fairly near the start of my transition. You, like me, need to give yourselves time to transition. It takes as long as it takes.
- Be kind to yourself: What can you do to help you feel better during the transition? Yesterday I planned a walk with my daughter, grandson, husband, and Mum. We went for a rainy walk and then had a roast in a pub. In the afternoon we watched ‘School of Rock’ an easy to watch, comfort film. In the evening, we got a takeaway. What can you do? Can you factor in some special interest time? Can you plan a treat? Can you just slob about and do comfort things?
- Support: I mentioned I went out with family yesterday. If this isn’t an option or you don’t want to, where is your support coming from? For some this looks like talking to friends, texting, online support, for others it might be supporting yourself creatively – writing it down, making a video or writing a song.
- Structure: Often with change come uncertainty and the unknown. For many neurodivergent people, the unknown is terrifying. What would help you keep things structured? Keep the routines that are important to you. Eat the foods that make you feel safe.
- Connection and reunion: If your transition is like mine and involves someone else, what is the plan for connection? I am hoping to facetime my son on a Sunday and hope to visit in January. The planning of this trip, I know will help me focus on something more positive.
If you have any other tips/advice around change and transition, feel free to share in the comments.
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Transitions and change from what is safe happens in life. It can be more challenging if one is Neurodivergent. My daughter is 46 years old, and does have her problems. I have to understand how difficult it is for her. But I would think like what you were saying about eating the foods that feel safe, and other activities and other things that are soothing.